Category Archives: hope

Hope for Difficult Marriages from Gary Chapman

What can you do if your spouse is abusive … or depressed … or addicted? How do you live with someone who won’t communicate?

In his latest book, Dr. Gary Chapman tackles all of these difficult situations, and more. As he addresses each challenge, he offers strong encouragement and practical instruction.

This new release comes with a long title, Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away, as well as a long subtitle: Real Help for Desperate Hearts in Difficult Marriages. That’s okay, though, because the book is also long on encouragement. Its delivery is as good as its promise.

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The core of this encouragement is the confidence “that there is hope for the hardest of marriages.” For spouses in struggling marriages, hope must be the starting place, as well as the refrain: “in every troubled marriage, one or both partners can take positive steps that have the potential for changing the emotional climate in a marriage” (17).

Reasons for Hope

Hope in a desperate marriage comes from four bedrock truths. When people accept these truths as reality, they become people of hope, and their marriages gain a platform for change, even transformation. Here are the four truths:

  1. You are not a victim of your circumstances. “Your environment may influence you, but it need not dictate or destroy your marriage and your life” (19).
  2. “People can and do change” (20).
  3. Misery or divorce are not the only options in difficult marriages (20).
  4. No marriage is completely “beyond hope” (21).

Dr. Chapman’s goal in Loving Your Spouse is to encourage husbands and wives to embrace “the positive actions that one individual can take to stimulate constructive change in a relationship” (24). Years ago, a friend shared this illustration with me:

Suppose that a husband and wife are back-to-back in conflict. We know that if both of them will turn around, then they can be face-to-face again. But what if only one is willing to move? Well, what if that one will walk around the other so that the two are again face-to-face?
One person can make the difference!

Dr. Chapman does not use that illustration, but he argues for that principle: “One person must always take the initiative. Perhaps that person will be you.” (38)

Realities to Live By

Dr. Chapman is careful to point out that we cannot change or control our spouses. However, we can choose our own attitudes, and each of us can influence others.  Loving Your Spouse outlines six realities which form the basis of a plan-of-action for every marriage. The final principle of “reality living” is this:

Love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world. Meeting your spouse’s emotional need for love has the greatest potential for stimulating positive change in his or her behavior. Since love is our deepest emotional need, the person who meets that need will have the greatest influence on our lives. (231)

In the first part of Loving Your Spouse, Dr. Chapman discusses the reasons for hope, the basis for change, and the motivations that underlie misbehavior. He then identifies ten difficult situations and addresses each one specifically in a separate chapter:

  1. the irresponsible spouse
  2. the workaholic spouse
  3. the depressed spouse
  4. the controlling spouse
  5. the verbally abusive spouse
  6. the physically abusive spouse
  7. the sexually abused or sexually abusive spouse
  8. the uncommunicative spouse
  9. the unfaithful spouse
  10. the alcoholic or drug-abusing spouse

chapmanIn each of these focused chapters, Dr. Chapman shares real-life situations, gives specific counsel, and lists resources for further help. Loving Your Spouse is full of both encouragement and practical advice. Not only will this book be helpful to you as you apply the principles of “reality living” to your own situation, but it will also be helpful as you encourage others who are struggling with some of these specific marital challenges.

For You

A giveaway:  Moody Publishers is providing a complimentary copy of Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away. If you would like to enter the drawing to win this book, simply leave a comment below no later than April 17. I will notify the winner on April 18, and you will receive a paperback copy in the mail.

A webinar: You are invited to attend a webinar this Thursday evening, April 12, as Dr. Jessica McCleese and I discuss three terrific tools for building marriage. (You can view the replay HERE.)

A prayer:  You have a standing invitation to join us each week as we pray for marriages and families. You can join us by phone or online every Thursday at 12:30 (Eastern), or you can always listen to the archives online. Let me know if you would like us to pray for you by name.

Blessings to you!
Tami

 

 

 

 

How Can You Trust God After He Allows Evil?

How can you trust God after He has allowed evil and suffering to tear through your life?

My friend Joanna has known pain that I cannot even imagine. She experienced horrific abuse for many years of her childhood. Today, she says that she loves God–and I know that she does–but she wonders how she will ever be able to trust Him.

Perhaps you have wondered the same thing. Perhaps your suffering causes you to feel confused about the goodness of God. If so, then my letter to Joanna is also my letter to you:

Dear friend,

You have experienced incredible pain.

These painful pieces of your journey are like holy ground to me, and I take my shoes off here. I do not speak flippantly to you. 

I do not know the why’s of this evil. There are things in this battle that we do not understand. But I do know this: God will redeem everything that is given to Him. It is certain that this was egregious evil, but it is even more certain that the judgment of God will not fall short or be lacking.

These were awful things, but God will turn them inside out one day. He will satisfy the cry for justice, and He will satisfy your bewilderment. He knows something that we do not know.

trust God

How can God tolerate such incredible evil? I do not know how He can stand it. But I am confident of this: He is more tenderhearted than we are. He is more compassionate than we are. Our protest of evil is nothing compared to His.

Your suffering has exposed enemy territory—territory which God now purposes to overwhelm with His forces of victory. As you declare His ownership of these areas, God will push back the forces of evil and will powerfully advance the Kingdom.

Every hurt is a place for a promise, and ashes are the seeds of great beauty. You have many hurts that you can redeem for promises, and you have ashes that you can bring to Jesus. When ashes are allowed to smolder, they bring destruction and deformity. But overshadowed by the Spirit, those same ashes can be exchanged for beauty and glory.

We can pray, “God, I cannot imagine how You can do anything with this—it is such total devastation and heartbreak. It is death. It is beyond my ability even to speculate how You can transform any bit of this. But as Your covenant partner, I am holding on to Your promises. I do not know how You can create anything beautiful from this, but I am asking You to do that, all the same.”

God’s commitment to justice will include these very things from your life, dear friend—the specific deeds of darkness and the specific acts of evil that you have experienced. God’s desire and power to heal are greater than the deepest wound. He knows how to bring water from rock, and how to make the desert bloom. He knows how to bring life from death.

trust God

God has made immense promises to you. You see no way in which He can keep His promises, but that is okay. He will keep His promises. It will be more glorious than you ever hoped or imagined.

“For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory” (2 Corinthians 4:17, HCBS).

God is up to this. That’s how big He is. Marvel at Him. You do not have to know how He can do this. God just wants you to trust that He will do something bigger than you can imagine. He longs to dazzle you.

God promises you this, dear friend: whatever you give to Him, He will transform. The things you suffered will always be evil, but they will lose their power to destroy you. They will lose their power to make you destitute in spirit: God will make you rich.

The enemy “intended to harm me, but God intended it for good” (Genesis 50:20, NIV).

It is easy to see how the enemy intended these things for destruction. But what does God intend? He intends to redeem! 

The LORD God turns curses into blessings for you because He loves you (Deuteronomy 23:5).

It is far too trite to say, “You will learn some good things from this.” That would not be sufficient, would it? There must be more.

This is an evil that we cannot really measure; I know I can’t. It is too much. In the same way, I can’t imagine a “good” that would be good enough to redeem such pain. I can’t imagine a “glory” glorious enough to outweigh that suffering. But God can!

We can trust God because we are convinced that He knows something that we do not.trust God

You do not need to settle for pat answers and trivial assurances. Wait with expectation and confidence for something much greater. God promises something so incredible that it will be more incredible than the pain. We do not know of any such glory, so we are deeply grieved and we despair of the goodness of God.

But listen: God does know. He does know of a glory that will satisfy your soul. He knows something that will be bigger and deeper, something so GLORIOUS—we do not have big enough words, but something so AWESOME—that it will cause you to fall at His feet and worship Him and adore Him and marvel at Him and love Him like never before.

You will not be disappointed. You will not say, “Lord, this glory—it isn’t enough.” You will say, “Lord, I didn’t know! I could not have imagined this! Yes, Lord, my soul is satisfied!” You will be well satisfied, fully satisfied, completely satisfied. You will never come to the end of your delight in Him.

“The LORD has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes” (Psalm 118:23, NIV).

For God to do such a thing would be an absolute miracle, wouldn’t it? It would completely amaze us and take our breath away, wouldn’t it?

Just wait.

Love,
Tami

Dealing with Brokenness

Do not be afraid of the brokenness in your life.


We all have to deal with broken relationships, broken promises, broken dreams, and broken hearts.  All of us are broken by our own sin and by the sin of others.

But God says to us:

Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (Joshua 1:9)

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. (Isaiah 41:10)

God meets us in those broken places, and He is the Restorer. He repairs and renews and redeems. That is what Resurrection is all about.

brokenness
Enter a Garden

We do not come just to the Cross, which is the place of forgiveness. We come also to the empty tomb, which opens into a springtime garden. We receive forgiveness at the cross, but we receive new life in the garden.

brokenness

When we open up to Christ our tombs of suffering, He speaks life into every place which is yielded to Him. Every deep wound becomes a place for deep healing. Every cruel piercing becomes a place for tender filling. Our pain can break the hardness of our hearts so that our spirits finally open up to His love and goodness. God longs to pour His power into our weakness,  and His peace into our distress. He knows how to fill our emptiness with His fullness.

Roll Away Some Stones

Do you remember the New Testament story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus? These three siblings were close friends of Jesus. Several days after Lazarus died, Martha was hesitant to open the tomb of her brother to Jesus. We, too, can be reluctant to expose places of our heart. But we are safe with this God who has written love for us on His own arms.¹ He will not shame us, and He certainly will not violate us.

Jesus did not do what Martha expected. What He did was far greater than what she expected. It will be the same for you.

Trust God with the Seeds

Ann Voskamp reminds us that we are like seeds that are broken apart and completely undone, and then something mighty and beautiful grows out of that very brokenness.² Jesus said that unless a seed dies, it remains alone. But buried in the ground, it dies, producing “a plentiful harvest.”³

I am easily distressed by brokenness—the neediness, the failures, the suffering, the struggles, the lack. It is around us and within us. But I am learning not to be disheartened. I am learning—just a bit—to allow the Spirit to bring His peace to the core of my being. It’s something like “a feast in the presence of mine enemies.”¹¹

Hold and Behold the Hurting

We can feel great compassion for those who are hurting, and we can also feel utterly helpless to heal their wounds. But we can do something very powerful. While we cannot fix those who are broken, we can carry them to the One who can. We can “hold and behold.”

Sometimes we can actually hold others in our arms, but always we can hold them in
our hearts and in our prayers. And we can behold them. We can behold them as treasures, and we can behold their stories and their unique hearts. Holding and beholding, we can lift up those who are broken to the One who repairs and who makes new.

As we encounter brokenness, we need not sink down in despair. Instead, we can walk knowing that God meets us in these broken places. This is where He works His miracles. Jesus Christ is the God who stoops to make us great,²² who washes dirty feet, and who touches unclean lepers. Christ enters our brokenness with us, walks through it with us, and turns ashes into beauty.³³

Hold and Behold Your Healer

We are all walking through pieces of brokenness right now, but when the Perfect comes, then we will walk in glorious wholeness and beauty. Until then, we walk with the One who is Himself Glory and Beauty.

 

 

 

 

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¹   In Isaiah 49:16, God says, “See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands”                (NLT).
     To Write Love on Her Arms is an organization dedicated to helping people who are                      struggling with self-destructive habits: twloha.com.
²   The Broken Way. Zondervan. 2016.
³   John 12:24, NLT
¹¹ Psalm 23:5, KJV
²² Psalm 18:35, NIV
³³ Isaiah 61:3